Freight: Day 10

withered-flower-almost

On the Eighth Day, I ventured a comment concerning the blinding cloak of Safety.

Was it a lie to say I value my liberty over my security? I had a stalker once. Twice, really, but only one threatened to abduct me. Concerned for my safety, a network of friends organized such that I was never alone. I was happy to trade my liberty for that safety.

The net result of the whole mess is that I broke a protector-friend’s heart. Security always comes at a price.

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4 thoughts on “Freight: Day 10

  1. The drooping flower in the glass vase needs love and care.

    You speak in riddles. That speaks of safety to me. There’s no real risk in disclosure. You withhold more than you offer. You have your reasons. It sounds like you have been traumatized, and the memory still holds you captive, continuing to abuse you. Hence comes the obsession with death, even in an attempt to turn the tables, ritualistically beautifying the fear and pain of it.

    These latest pronouncements of yours aren’t completely convincing to me. They don’t breathe naturally, but rather seem stilted and dry hyperbole, or talismans held up to ward off. It appears you still feel you’re being pursued by stalkers.

    Anyway, you’re the engineer and operator of that train. It wouldn’t be your fault, tragic though it would be, if a fool not paying attention jumped on the tracks and got run over, or stopped a vehicle in the middle of the tracks and dared to obstruct you, and you just blew your horn, plumes of smoke rising into the air, and plowed through. Occasionally a hobo may jump on, ride along, and jump off at his leisure. That would be me.

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      1. That is true. The oblique strategy is good. I’ve used that myself to get at and maintain my voice around disturbing subjects. On my end, I first read what you wrote here in your post, and I was first a little startled, thinking perhaps you were referring to me. How you wrote that, any reader for a moment feels like a stalker, especially if he or she engages (leaves a comment). You should know this. You ward off EVERYONE, making one afraid to leave a comment, for fear of stepping into the role of the stalker.

        The replays of the trauma scenario are very real. Subconsciously you set up traps to pull individuals into playing the roles of those who figured into creating the trauma in the first place. I myself am sufficiently self-aware that I can draw your attention to this, while refusing to play the evil role (I prefer being hobo – ha ha).

        I don’t know what your trauma is, but to begin to heal from it, you need to establish some human contact where in the communication trust can be built up. I think you’re making some progress, or are at least pointed in the right direction. Ultimately what will free you from the trauma, and the proof of it, will be when you can openly talk about it, no mask on and riddles, and will do so from a position of knowledge and strength (which will help others who suffer from the same kind of trauma).

        If the trauma is significant enough, I don’t think just making blog entries is enough. There are other means of helping yourself.

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