Notes from the Inward Tundra

TLDR; The focus of this blog is changing. I will still post the occasional poem, but I am on new journey and am tired of creating new blogs for each pit stop along the way. If you were only here for the poems, please unfollow. I’ve enjoyed your company and wish you well.

It has been a long time, too long. My journey has been inward. I have strayed from poetry, even from writing. To give you some sense of the scope of that change consider the sensation of discovering yourself, alone, in a vast tundra teeming with presences that move only in your peripheral vision. The sheer brightness of the nothing, the sheer vastness of you unmoored is a galaxy of possibility. The desire is to move, in any direction, to get somewhere. Anywhere.

This is not my first visit to this strange no-land. I came here before, when the words ran dry and I knew that I could no longer commit to the dark fiction I spent a decade lovingly crafting. Months passed. I found religion. This was good. I was no longer alone. And, just as easily, I lost religion. Thank you and curses, Thomas Ligotti. More dead space, with the flitting presences growing bolder. I found poetry. I loved poetry, despite the fearful power of it looking directly upon the things moving at the edges of my self. I spent a year immersed in poetry. Oh, yes, I still went to the day job in software, but at lunch I read poetry. Waiting for the software to build, I read poetry. The first thing I did each morning, and the last thing each night was to read poetry. I dreamed in poetry; Book of Crow came in a dream, as did several others I have yet to share. This was good. I was no longer alone.

And, just as easily, I lost poetry.

I briefly alit in the branches of philosophy of science, and from there floundered upon the study of Law and proceeded to immerse myself in it. It’s nice to drink the dream of going to capital-L, capital-S Law School, but it comes with a $150K hangover.  Also (and this is key!) … I don’t want to be a lawyer. It just seemed a decent way out of:

A) Software

B) Me

C) The Tundra

D) All of the Above

The good news in all of this is that I spent a couple of months doing LSAT logic games. I remembered how much I like solving problems. My undergraduate degree was in Physics, with a Philosophy double-major. To think that I was once young and believed that if I studied the right combination of topics I would Understand It ALL. Ah, the universe simultaneously laughs and farts!  Please see Lovecraft’s Dreams in the Witch House if you have any questions.

Which brings me to the part not subtly foreshadowed by the TLDR: the change in focus of this blog. I’ve started approximately a blog a year over the past few years, each to focus on some particular (and passing) mania. It’s a pain in the behonkis to to make sure I’m logged in as the right version of “me” to comment or post. My longest running and most popular blog is at a natural and good end, so I didn’t want to revive that old self. The others were too embarrassing. Although I’m no longer trying to be entirely anonymous, I am fond of this spot on the web. I’ll be posting on whim. I suspect an upcoming focus on math, with a poem here and there, like chocolate chips in a pancake.

Segue… Do you realize the sheer volume of content available to study math online? It’s fucking awesome. I’ve signed up for Kahn Academy.  If this wave of interest carries, there are a plethora of courses at MIT OpenCourseware. I don’t know where any of this leads, but at least this time I know that.

In the spirit of wu wei, may my action be inaction!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s